She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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