Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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