It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
