I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
