Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
