exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i think my cat just said my name.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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