so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
