You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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