Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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