jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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