Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
