My liver just broke up with me...
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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