I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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