I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
