our cab driver is having phone sex.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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