Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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