I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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