What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
