Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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