In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
two words...techno handjob
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
