I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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