yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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