Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
