Cold hands, warm shart.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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