Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
its not stalking. its research.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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