I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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