can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
