ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
