Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
