he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
