Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
