I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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