There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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