your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My life is pants optional.
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