Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
