what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
