so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize