I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
