i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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