Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
