i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i wish my penis had a tongue
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
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