If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
