So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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