Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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