I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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