I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
That's how pantless uber rides happen
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
