Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
