apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
