one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
