He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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