My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
why is half of my head shaved?
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