i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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