How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I have aggressive nipples.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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