At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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