She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
