I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
