he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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