Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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