I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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