I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
