I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
