She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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